God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
