Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
