Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She bit a glass in half.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
