I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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