They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
