I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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