who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize