Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
