I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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