There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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