I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
