Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
