I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
