There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
