Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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