If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
