Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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