I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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