hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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