My first STD was from a foam party
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
