I heard we made out
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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