If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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