You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
