She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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