I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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