So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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