She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
