they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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