Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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