grandma shit on top of the toilet
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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