Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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