I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
