The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
