Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
