I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
