Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize