I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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