At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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