Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
