I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
