I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
