At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Boobs are out for the taking
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
