dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
