I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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