Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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