you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
