If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
