Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
