True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
