What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
