I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
