Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
