how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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