I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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