i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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