4 words: hood of his car
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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