Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
its liver damage thursday
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
