I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
