So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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