apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Two words: blizzard sex
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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