Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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