I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize