my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
