a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
